Daytime Dreams

Last night I had a dream. A very peculiar dream. A little unnerving. And I woke up feeling uneasy at 4:3o in the morning. Having a dream, and waking up in the night is truly strange to me - because I am SO DARN TIRED.

Lately sleep comes to me like I have been hit over the head and drugged until the alarm begins its unrelenting blare. It comes in waves while I am attempting to read to the children. I think I read, "The cat in the hat..." But really I read, "Eat... caramel apples... now." It comes in waves when I put Tildy down for her nap. The catnap is a lovely thing that I never before experienced.

And when I am awake, especially by the end of the week, I sometimes feel like I am being tortured - just a constant pinching of wakefulness.

And my intentional sleep deprivation is getting worse.

In college I had a motto that I have lately been encouraging myself with: You'll get plenty of sleep when you're dead.

I used to have daytime dreams once also. I had a lot of dreams. I've seen through my life how the slow and steady thing pays off in the end whether it is knitting a sweater or becoming a dancer with no inborn talent. Lately I have been digging up some daytime dreams, which is why I am too tired to experience them during the night.

I am not even quite sure what these daytime dreams are. I am just dabbling hoping something will click - planting a few vegetables, going to yoga class, stewing over the vastness of Etsy and wondering what to do about it, keeping the books for a few friends, and writing here.

It was recently stated to me, "So you married an artist."

I did indeed marry an artist, though I had never thought about it in these terms before. I am always uncomfortable defining art. But the fact that I married an artist explains a lot about the composition of our life together. He is an artist with a dream.

And his dream has always come first because it is the dream that has fed the family. For the past decade, the family has been my dream.

I recently signed on to Facebook. (Another story - I'll probably get a cell phone next...) So the other night I did the natural thing, and looked up a guy I dated in college. Sean was the most passionately driven person I had ever met in my life. He was a musician - a drummer - studying music and playing in a rock band at night. (And oh my gosh- they are on You Tube) Sean eventually toured with a band for a decade, and I even visited with him years later when his band toured through Boulder. So I was hoping - so hoping - that his dreams had not changed. That he was still pursuing the passionate dreams of youth. And I was disappointed. There he was, still with a caboodle of friends following his charisma, but making his living as a programmer.

My initial thought was, "He sold out." Sorry, Sean.

And how funny that it turns out that my artist husband has more staying power and passion to his dreams of youth.

It took me several days to digest this information. And I tried to look at it from Sean's point of view. Because given his sunny and passionate nature, he would most definitely not use this expression to refer to himself.

I would guess that he would say his dreams have shifted. Over the course of a decade of touring and of missing daily life with his wife and child(ren?), I would imagine he realized being a rock-n-roll star was no longer where it was at. Would I actually respect him less if he was still touring with the same band hoping for a breakthrough twenty years later? Is it better to alter your dreams of success to live a financially and socially rewarding lifestyle?

My dreams have, of course, shifted also. I no longer dream of starting my own dance company and altering the public perception of modern dance. I barely dream of dancing. Well... Maybe I do still dream of dancing when my hips don't hurt. But now I have dreams of seeing my children raised strong, healthy, intelligent, happy and community contributors. I have dreams of seeing my husband satisfied with his business of metal creation. And I am fishing around to create my own personal dreams. Because we all need dreams.

My aunt Carrie believes that she dreamed her entire life one night. She asked God to show her what she might expect, and he followed through. She saw her children and the land they would purchase and how things would go on down the line for her. Or did I dream this?

I often seem to have flashes of deja vu, and I wonder if I have dreamed my life also. Deja vu is particularly unnerving to me, because it makes me feel like time is running out - like I have used up another part of my dream. Another dream checked off and one step closer to the end. But deja vu also reassures me. Because it tells me that I am in the right place doing what I am meant to do. And that everything will be all right.

Dreams will come and continue to happen.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau