A Letter For When You Are Sad

Right after my father passed away, I stumbled upon a letter in my baby book. It is a letter written by my Dad the day I was born.

The letter is written to the nurses at the hospital thanking them for the wonderful job they did delivering me (even though he was not allowed in the delivery room as he very much wanted to be!). It is written by his hand in his very personal cursive writing, just on standard yellow notebook paper, but it is in my father's voice - at least the voice of my father at 26 years of age, very excited after the birth of his first child.

For obvious reasons I treasure this letter.

When my first child was born, one of the first things I did after I made sure he was breathing and all that, was sit down next to him, and write him a letter. Since then I have written him and Oscar and Tildy each a letter at least every year.

Mainly these letter are just filled with information about them - developmental milestones, friends, vacations, interests, quotes - but I also try to include my thoughts on life and its issues, questions that might come up after I am gone, and I hope that my love will seep through in between the lines. The letters are written to them as young adults. I have very rarely shared them.

A while ago I wrote my first-born a very non-standard letter on depression. This was in addition to his annual update. I stored this letter away in his baby book just like usual, and figured maybe I would hand it to him in high school. But recently Marek has been going through some tough times, and I felt like it might help. So I pulled it out and read it to him.

And then after I read it, I thought I might as well share it with the world.

TO: MAREK
WITH ALL MY LOVE
FOR WHEN YOU ARE SAD

Dear Marek,
I worry about you sometimes, because you seem so sad and serious. I worry that you are a person that must fight depression. I especially worry, because Dad and I both have experienced this fight. You are one of those people who take life very seriously, as am I. Much too seriously. Most things really don't matter that much. It's better to laugh. It's so easy to say "Lighten up," but so difficult to do. Here are some ideas for when you're down:

1) LOVE - You are so loved. Even if Dad and I are not around, know that somewhere we are loving you unconditionally. We loved you into existence, we've cared for you your whole life. You have love. You are not alone. But I know this is sometimes not enough.

2) SLEEP, EAT, BATHE - Everything looks better on a full stomach after a good night's rest. Care for yourself and you will feel better. Your mind won't function correctly without care. Depression is a disease of the mind, after all - keep the chemicals well balanced.

3) EXERCISE - Everything looks better when you're run (swam, biked, danced, punched) yourself into exhaustion. Getting the blood flowing and your lungs breathing helps restore optimism.

4) STAY CLEAN - Say "No" to substances. Alcohol and drugs might bring a short high, but they will bring you lower in the end. And they are addicting, so you must always get more to feel better - and even more next time.

5) ACT - It doesn't matter what you are doing - get out of your head feeling sorry for yourself and do something. Solve the problem with activity. Problems rarely go away on their own. Keep to your normal schedule and at least try to maintain.

6) SOCIALIZE - I know you aren't a people person - neither am I - but there is nothing worse for depression than sitting home alone dwelling in your mind. You don't have to throw a party - though you can. You don't have to interact one-on-one - though a walk with someone might be just the thing. Just get out in public, see other people and know whatever you're experiencing, you are not the first and you are not alone. Go to the park or the library or movie theater and people watch. Or volunteer for an organization and HELP.

7) ENVIRONMENT - Make sure you are not adding to your sadness with unneeded downers. Are you listening to sad music? Reading a sad book? Watching too much news? Surrounding yourself with negative people? Ruthlessly remove the extra downers. Replace with uplifting materials.

8) NATURE - Reconnect with where we are supposed to be living. Take a walk in the park, go camping, drive in the mountains, work in a garden, go to a plant store. Smell, touch, and feel real energy.

9) ART - Make some or experience some. Write, draw, or sing out your sadness. Absorb yourself in a good book or movie. Escape into the creative.

10) IMPORTANCE - Know that your life, like all life on this planet, interrelates and connects with everything else. Your life has value, meaning, and importance. Even if you don't feel this today, there is no telling what might happen tomorrow and what possibilities you might create. You can help and share your life and love with others. It is so important.

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My worst depression was when I was twenty. I had been a ballet major and decided to quit dancing. I went home for the summer and felt like I had nothing left. My passion was gone, and I had no friends in the area. I remember laying around staring at walls finding it even hard to reply to my parents when they asked me a question. After a few weeks of this, my Mom found me a job mowing lawns for Saint Mary's. I was too depressed to care. With this job she gave me life again. I had something to do, a place to go every day where I could interact with my peers, and a job that gave me exercise and connected with nature. I met a lot of friends, and ended up having a lot of fun. By the fall I was back on a path towards modern dance. A new passion and a purpose. Though I have never thanked my Mom for this intervention, I consider this one of my life's defining moments.

I love you!

Mom